Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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