even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
