just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
