Three words: puerto rican gang bang
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I smell like Dick and happiness
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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