Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize