i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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