i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
