6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Every concussion has its silver lining
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
