Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
