hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
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