I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
