Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
