So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
