Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
then he tried to convert me to islam
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize