it was like eating out sand paper
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
