God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
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