I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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