Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I want to walk on stilts...naked
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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