Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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