The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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