I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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