quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Randomize
