You can't motorboat a personality
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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