Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I need a burrito and a hug.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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