you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize