I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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