come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
