I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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