First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
