dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
