Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
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