So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
