i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
