the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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