You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
