I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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