I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
