phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
