I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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