When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
