If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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