chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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