Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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