It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize