Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
