Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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