I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize