im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
