You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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