What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
