Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
well you can't waste a boner
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
