My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
