So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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