I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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