i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
