This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
