We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
