using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Randomize
