Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
