a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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