What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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