Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
