You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
