I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
