You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
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