ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
