remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
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