i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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