fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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