You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
