You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
